Understanding Why We are this Way and How to Overcome It
Have you ever hit a wall, metaphorically of course? You have reached the point of losing your cool. You are tired of taking care of not only yourself and your responsibilities, but everyone else’s too.
This was me this past week. I was done with it all! Life was coming from all directions, and I was holding it all together for everyone else. I had the weight of everything pushing me down, and I snapped.
I lashed out at those I care about most. I had lost all authority over my actions and feelings. Me, the one who always has it all together, lost control.
I am the person who gets things done. I know the correct way to do things. I am the one who makes schedules for others, I not only tackle my own plans, but I will take on others’ projects too. I will take a group project and make sure I am well versed in all aspects. This enables me to control the narrative and direct the outcome, regardless of others’ participation. I always have things under control.
Sounds great, right?
It is for a little while, but soon, I realize I am the only one doing things. It becomes expected for me to solve everybody’s problems. I am exhausted and have no time for myself, and I am getting resentful. What should I do? What can I do? The same part of me that takes control of each situation does not really allow any other course of action.
Does this Sound Familiar?
At work, you are the one everyone comes to for answers or help with a project, knowing you will eventually take over the project and see it through to completion. At home, you are the one who makes the schedules, appointments, runs the errands, and keeps everything organized for the family. You know whose birthday is coming up and just what they want. You know what everyone likes and dislikes when ordering takeout. Yes, you do it all.
Now I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But our secret is out.
What do I mean?
Well, everyone else has already figured out what controlling, obnoxious people we are. Do not take offense. I include myself too. Everyone is waiting for us to take charge and tackle the issue at hand, and we know we will.
Being a take-charge person is not inherently a bad thing. We are the people who are reliable, responsible, and level-headed. We accomplish big things. However, it also comes with problems: failed relationships, exhaustion, eating lunch alone, no fun emoji texts from co-workers and friends.
How do I Stop?
I know, silly question. After all, we should be able to control ourselves.
The first thing we must do is get over ourselves! It sounds harsh, but I will let you in on a little secret. I… ahem, can be pushy, even bossy, arrogant, and controlling sometimes. We must be. To be someone who strives for success with blind determination, we must feed our ego. Our motivation is driven not only by trophies and pay raises but by praise and admiration for a job well done. We have a desire to be the best.
Therefore, we MUST put our ego aside and remember what happens is not personal. We are not solely responsible for the outcome, and we should not be. We should not always be first.
Remember, we are talking about group settings: work, family, committees, relationships, even sporting teams. Whether there is success or failure, it is a group endeavor. No matter how fantastic we may be, we are only one person.
Why am I so Controlling and Bossy?
It is important to remember it is not our fault, nor should we take credit. There are many reasons we gained this trait. Some of us are born with DNA destining us to be the queen bee, while others are the worker bees. Life can also have a significant impact, molding us from the beginning as children.
- For some of us, there may be childhood trauma. It may have forced us to create a shield to protect us and make sure we are not at the mercy of anyone.
- A sense of neglect by our parents or guardians when we are young can cause lasting effects. Children who grow up in Foster care are often bouncing from home to home. They never fully integrate into the family dynamics and learn early on to only trust themselves. Often this can cause deep-seated self-reliance for survival known as Dismissive Avoidant Attachment.
As described in Medical News Today, “This form of attachment results when the caregiver ignores or rejects a child’s need. When that child becomes an adult, they may choose to be ultra-independent to protect themselves from being rejected again.”
- Some people may find themselves controlled by someone close to them. Perhaps a spouse or partner is controlling the many facets of their everyday life. When opportunity presents, they look for places they can regain some of that power. Unfortunately, the pattern is not always clear until there is further damage.
After some reflection, I realized my childhood affected my adult behaviors. My father and my brother died when I was young. After that, I grew up in a single-parent household. My mom had her first heart attack when I was eleven and had various health issues for the rest of her life. She leaned on me. She needed me, and I often took on adult responsibilities. This experience carried through into adulthood. I felt the responsibility to take care of others and their well-being. If something was wrong, I was responsible, and I had to fix it.
Triggers of Anxiety
Understanding what has led us up to this point can bring clarity to the situation. However, to move past this compulsion, we need to understand what some triggers are. Psychologist Dr. Abby Medcalf describes these as:
- Stress: This is most common. We strive to do too much. Life is unpredictable, and it comes at us from all directions. We fight to manage it all and keep going.
- Perfectionism: This is something I struggle with daily. Although you would never guess it from my messy office. I feel the weight to make myself and the world a better place, and I do not leave room for failure.
- Uncertainty: This often aligns with stress. When we do not know the answer and feel overwhelmed by the choices, we strive to find something we can manage.
- Over-scheduling: This is also me. Do you make lists with way more tasks than there is a time in the day? Do you have a calendar staring back with empty spots, egging you on to fill them with activities? Almost immediately, we have failed. We put unreal expectations on our time and energy. I do this so often I do not even realize it, till it is too late.
- Impatience: Do you struggle to watch others do something different from you? Maybe they are taking too long, and you are watching the hands on the clock tick by. You are getting anxious and fighting the compulsion to grab the task away and do it yourself.
These triggers can all result in anxiety. When we become stressed, unsure, overloaded, or concerned, we become anxious. We suffer from anxiety. Psychology Today describes anxiety as “both a mental and physical state of negative expectation.” It induces us to react to protect what matters. When we become anxious, we feel fear. It becomes a defense mechanism and the. The fear triggers the need to control.
What does being a control freak personality do to us?
- It puts a lot on our plates. We thought our to-do list was already bad. Wait till we add all the things we believe everyone else “cannot do..”.
- It damages our relationships. When others feel they are inferior or diminished in our eyes, we are no longer fun and inviting to be around.
- The Boomerang Effect definition is when attempting to restrict a person’s choice or attitude, an oppositional response result occurs. When this happens, we are forcing the opposite reaction. Instead of helping someone, as we imagine we are doing, the person gets angry. Then they become rooted in going ahead with their plans, with no regard for our input or attempt to help, This causes us to become angry. It is our responsibility to stop them from making what we view as a mistake. They do not listen, and we get more frustrated. Boom! We are experiencing the boomerang effect. They are now controlling us and our emotions. It is no longer us in the driver’s seat. We are in response mode.
The Effect We Have on Others.
We see what the desire to control does to us, but what about those around us? It begins with micromanaging others and happens in both our professional and personal relationships. We need to understand the damaging effects this can have, not only to ourselves but to those around us. When we seek to control things, we are saying:
You do not know what you are doing.
You do not need to be a part of this.
I am better than you.
Often, when we observe someone doing something different from us, we think they do not know what they are doing. In our minds, we hear ourselves saying, “I am always right. I know how to do this.” However, we may just be seeing a different way to do something. We can become blind by our ego and not realize another, perhaps an even better way of doing something can be right in front of us.
Sometimes a little guidance can make a world of difference. If someone is struggling with a task, providing an opportunity for them to have a mentor who can share knowledge and help them improve their skills can make a world of difference.
Many times, it can be as simple as they only need practice, but none of this can be possible if we do not offer them the opportunity.
When we believe we can do it all on our own, we give people the impression they are not a part of something. We are telling them they do not have significance. Take a moment and realize how you would feel if you had to look at someone and tell them they have no value. Try imagining being the person you are telling this to; because this is what our actions are saying. We rob people of the opportunity to take part, grow, and make a difference.
I realize none of us go around telling people we are better than them. At least not with words, but we often say it in our actions. Each of us brings a unique perspective to situations. It is only fair to see this in others and give them space to succeed.
Making Changes
If we are to make significant changes, we need to understand our actions. We need to let go of preconceived ideas and expand our minds to different ways of making things work. Once we—dare, I say, take control? — of our thoughts and actions, we can begin to “let go.”
Learning to let go will eventually be a freeing experience. However, initially, anxiety will rear its ugly head, causing us to doubt our decision. There will be times when things do not go as planned, and we will need to adjust our expectations. Recognizing this is an opportunity for us to take a deep breath and realize there are things beyond our control. The world will not fall apart.
An advantage to letting go allows us to realize there is often not just one right way of doing things. Other people in your circle can and sometimes will have better ideas than you. Allow yourself to learn from them.
Being part of a group effort means dividing the load, not just in business but also in relationships. We need to share burdens. Not only does this ease some stress, but it also can bring people closer. Showing trust builds others up while taking some weight off our shoulders.
Sometimes people are manipulating us, because of our control tendencies, and we must draw a line in the sand.
Our control tendencies, once a strength, can become a weakness. It is imperative to set boundaries. Even loving people can, often unintentionally, take advantage of our compulsion. They will resist taking part or offering any help with a project. They are so used to us always taking charge they do not see any reason to become involved. This is when we need to step back and say, “No, I am not taking care of this,” or “Hey, I need help with this.” There may be a look of shock, even scared looks, but it is okay.
Sometimes people need an opening to step up and be responsible. They will often surprise you once you all get over the initial shock.
Last, but probably most important: relax, breathe, meditate, take a walk. The feeling as if you need to take control of the situation will pass. It will take time, practice, and maybe even prayer. We will find what works. We and those around us will be happier when we lose some of your control (ling) habit and encourage others to take more responsibility.
Taking Responsibility for Our Actions
- We are not responsible for others.
- We are not responsible for every outcome.
- We are not responsible for how others react.
- We are responsible for ourselves.
- We are responsible for our part.
- We are responsible for what we say.
- We are responsible for what we do.
Sometimes, it is okay to sit down, not raise our hand, and not be the smartest one in the room.
Sometimes, it is better to let others stand up, raise their hand, offer their ideas, and learn by doing.
Sometimes we do not have to be a control freak.
